I don't live in this ward, but I'd like to ......

There is one meeting that strikes fear and terror into the heat of every Bishop of every ward in the Church. No its not den meeting, PEC, PPI with the Stake President or even dropping in on the Deacons from time to time. You probably guessed it. The venerable Fast and Testimony Meeting. Every Bishop likes to feel that he has some control of the Sacrament Meeting but once the meeting is turned over to the flock, anything can happen. Today the worshipful attitude was shattered with a brief descripton of the serial killer Ted Bundy, followed by a sister from the Marshall Islands who tried to get her husband and children up on the stand to sing for all of us. She failed. Many prayers were answered right then and there. The Bishop had earlier announced that her husband was going to be baptized tonite but later had to announce that he had been baptized in the Marshall Islands as a kid but forgot. I figured, what the heck, do him again.

Some people who are unwilling or unable financially to seek professional help, use the time to unburden themselves on the rest of us. It becomes a littany of the near dead, the mostly dead, the past dead who have been waiting patiently for the temple work to be done and an assortment of dead pets. Sometimes I really believe I can hear the soft chant of "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" in the background.

Having been in the uncomforable position myself, I thoroughly enjoy watching our Bishop squirm in his seat. You can almost hear him trying to will, by telepathic means, the speaker into an immediate cardiac arrest.

I have heard "faith promoting" fables about pets being blessed and saved by the priesthood, a priesthood led funeral for a members cat, an admission of an internet addiction to porn, and a pronouncement by a high priest that his wife told him that she was crying because Barbara had just told her that I was having an affair. (What he failed to include was that his wife was mentally ill and that it was just her crazy side talking)

When someone asks after a meeting what I thought about a particular members testimony, I just say "Well bless (his/her) heart. " Translation: "Boy wasn't he full of crap. "

Thank you for listening, I feel much better, bless your heart.