TO ROLL OR SPRAY, THAT IS THE QUESTION

An unknown author once said “The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” Moderation is a good thing but we have all seen the consequences of overdoing a good thing. Most of us have come across a woman at one time or another who dared not smile for fear of causing her makeup to crack, flake off and land in her vichyoise.


I am not sure what posses some women to go to that extreme but as a kid we use to joke at home about the women who looked like they used a paint roller to apply their disguise. It always seemed a bit wasteful since none of the beautiful women in my life were ever prone to overdue the war paint. Come to think of it, my grandma Tessie never wore any makeup of any kind. Without it she was most elegant. She Who Must Be Obeyed has been known to judiciously apply the paint from time to time but not to the extent that it would rub off on the phone or the chin rest of her violin. None of the women of my life have ever used much camouflage, i.e. the over use of foundations, colorants, fake eye lashes, pancake makeup etc. It just wasn’t necessary.

But for those of you who strive for utter and complete pore eliminating coverage there is really good news. L’Oreal has come out with a new makeup that you actually apply with a roller. No doubt it will take some practice to get it to roll on smoothly without any overlap lines or holidays. (painting terms). I worked once for a commercial painter and it took some practice to apply the latex evenly to a wall and they were always flat. I never once however, painted a wall that had a large nose in the center. Good luck putting a roller over your honker and have it look smooth.

I think it makes better sense to spray it on instead. For approximately $50.00 at the local Home Despot you can purchase a Wagner sprayer and a gallon of latex color matched to whatever shade you want to be that day. You could place a cone over your face to prevent overspray onto the neighbor’s car and pull the trigger. It would take a little touch up around the edges but it would certainly be more even than the roller. You may have to tape off your eyebrows and lashes and plug up your nostrils but what a finish. A little blue tape on the lips would certainly be in order.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end according to Jerry Sienfield.

Thankfully, beauty is easier to remove than apply, and a swipe of a wash cloth in the right direction and you are you once again.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better

The Early Termination Fee

I was watching an ad for a cell phone service company and read the fine print that appears for a brief second during the ad. It turned out to be a disclaimer that if the buyer cancelled the contract before the 200th year as stipulated in the contract there would be a $175 dollar early termination fee. Who in the name of all Wall Street Greed thought up the concept of “the early termination fee”? I began to think out loud and said to myself “Wow I hope this doesn’t catch on.”

I can see it now. I have been going to the same $6.00 haircut place for a number of years and if I were to move or just go down the street to the $5.00 place, I could get a bill from my old barber simply for not coming back. “Sorry you no longer want us to give you a crappy haircut. Please remit $175 as an early termination fee”. If Hollywood Video found out I switched to Netflix they might send me a $175 bill for not coming in anymore too. If the concept really gets some wheels I could get billed for changing the tv channel before the program is officially over, which in actuality means the show plus 28 minutes of moronic commercials. Computers could keep track and add the fee to my monthly cable bill. It would certainly make me think twice about cancelling my subscriptions to Skateboarder and Creative Knitting magazine.

Come to think of it, early termination fees have been around as long as people have been borrowing money. I seem to recall a fee if I paid off a loan on a car or the house earlier than the contract indicated. Come to think of it, even if you make it through life physically and emotional unscathed, your family is billed a termination fee by the mortuary chosen to fleece your survivors.

The ultimate insult would be to die as the result of an accident in the prime of life and get to the gate in Heaven only to be told that, I since I showed up before my time, I would have to return to the world as the greeter at Wal-Mart as an early termination fee.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better.