It's All About The Butter

I have a good friend that says I fry the best pan fried oysters in the entire world. My response is always: “Give me enough butter and I can make your shoes taste good” It’s true. Who would have thought that the fat from bovine lactate, churned and solidified with a little salt could taste so good. Someone once asked Paula Dean’s son what he thought his mother’s favorite desert was and he said “butter”. My grandfather ,CR Snelgrove ate cooked cereal most mornings. I never saw him put sugar or milk or even cream on it. He always put a half a stick of butter on his hot cereal. In case you are wondering how that affected his health, he lived into his 90’s.
My preference currently is old butter. You know, the kind that sits in a cave covered with mold and is finally brought to the light of day under the name of cheese. I am currently making my way down the cheese isle at the local grocery chain. It may take me six more months to sample all the cheeses that are on the shelf. Next to all the ready packaged varieties is a counter with three fulltime employees who have at their disposal about 200 different cheeses. They wield long two handled knifes, ready at an instant to carve off any portion of those giant rounds. I have to stop for a moment. I am beginning to drool.
My assertion that you can eat anything given enough butter was proven once again when I recently brought home a dozen snails. They were previously purged, cleaned and cooked and stuffed back in their shells in a mixture of BUTTER, garlic, and chopped parsley. If you actually think about it, the thought of eating the slimy gastropods that chew up the veggies in my garden is pretty disgusting. I cooked them in the oven until the butter melted and we picked them out of the shells with tooth picks. The French actually have a utensil that holds the shell while you pick out the snail with a small fork. My wife’s response to the first snail was, “they are not too bad.” She only ate one which means that on a scale of 1 to 100 they ranked about a 2 for her. Since I translate for her all the time, I will translate for you as well. “They are not too bad” accurately translated means: “who in their right mind would ever eat more than one of these things.” I ate my half dozen and came away with the conclusion that I could have stuffed the shells with parts of an inner tube from my bicycle and it would have tasted about the same. So much for the old escargot myth of snails being a delicacy. It’s all about the butter.
For right now I think I will stick to the cheese, the yogurt, the ice cream while we spend the next year here.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

Don't Forget To Turn Off The Power

I inspected an apartment in Tarbes and found that the light switch was not working and the young Mormon missionaries who were living there were just leaving the hall light on to see when they used the bathroom. So much for privacy. It would be like putting a microphone in your john and broadcasting it throughout the house. So…. I decided to take the switch apart and see if I could fix it. Voltage here runs about 250V which if you touched the wire, would make you look like this chicken. Being much smarter than I used to be (having once drilled through a 220v line putting up a curtain rod) I turned off all the power to the apartment, removed the old switch and deciding it could not be repaired headed off to the brico.
I have spent a good deal of my life in lumber yards, tool stores, Home Despot, Sears and various other money pits, I was not too surprised to find the French have followed suit and come up with the “Brico”. There are various companies but all the stores are basically the same. Picture Home Despot with all the prices in euros and all the help wearing yellow vests and speaking a language that you don’t understand very well. The rows of home improvement/repair items seem to be endless and the number of people available to answer questions is in an inverse relationship to the number of things on the self. You have probably heard of surly French waiters, but let me assure you, they get their training from the guys at the brico. I finally found a guy in a yellow vest, showed him my broken switch and asked him if he could find me one just like it. He said no, and proceeded to recite the entire Gettysburg Address backwards at a phenomenal speed. I was quite impressed. Then he asked me if it was a two or three pole switch. I told him I did not want to discuss politics. After playing charades for a couple of minutes he handed me three items to replace the one I had in my hand and walked off. He didn’t give me a chance to ask him how the three parts went together, so, just to annoy him I tracked him down and asked where I could find a smoke alarm and a fire extinguisher. He was not amused.
Back at the apartment I stared at the three parts for twenty minutes until I had a general idea how they went together and installed the new switch. I turned the power back on and flipped the switch. No light. Slightly frustrated and not wanting to appear incompetent in front of the two young missionaries, I meditated for a few more minutes, dreading the thought of having to return to the brio and talk with Jean Pierre one more time and it came to me. There was an additional switch on the fixture. Voila, let there be light. There are few things in life more satisfying than a successful repair.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

Dead?

Worldwide custom dictates taking something to the host when you are invited to dinner. A flower arrangement, a beverage, a desert or anything else that shows the host you are grateful for the invitation and even more so, grateful that you don’t have to cook that meal at home yourself. Over time, we have been the recipients of some wonderful deserts, lots of bottles of Martinelli’s Sparking Cider, and one time a cheese plate with an opened and half consumed box of Triscuts. We can only assume that our guests got hungry on the way to our house. In our attempt to understand the culture of France and fit in, we have picked up on at least one interesting custom. Chrysanthemums are never to be taken to someone’s home as a gift, ever.
Why? I knew this would come up so here is the answer. On November 1 of each year there is a holiday called Toussaint. It’s All Saints Day. It is a day for remembering all your dead relatives and I guess the almost dead ones also. It was yesterday and all the government buildings, post offices, and most businesses in town were closed including the Huit a 8 (8 to 8) which is the French equivalent of the 7-11 only with different hours. Graves and monuments to those who have died were decorated with…you guessed it, Chrysanthemums. These beautiful flowers are considered the flowers of the dead.

Hence it’s considered bad taste to show up for dinner carrying a big pot of mums. Now you know.
thanks for listening, I feel much better.

Hit The Road Jean Pierre (Jack)

We drove to Bordeaux the other day to a meeting which started at 10 am. There is a freeway near our town but the entrance is really out of the way and on top of that it is a toll road. When the French decided they were behind the rest of western Europe in the freeway department, they didn’t have the billions of euros it would have taken, so they turned the project over to private enterprise. The only catch is you have to pay a toll based on when you get on and off. If I take the freeway to Bordeaux it gets me there fifteen minutes sooner but 11 euros poorer. So……I take the old national highway. Picture this, a two lane highway just barely wide enough for two cars, lined on each side by gigantic London Plane trees that were planted to keep the driver of the horse drawn cart from getting a sunburn. Speed limits are 55 mph except where posted otherwise. There are 15 small villages on the way to Bordeaux so I have to slow down to 43 mph in each town.
Out on the highway, I set my cruise control at 55 and expect to be passed by every other car headed in my direction. The process is as follows: (I am sure they teach this in French driving classes)
1. Tailgate to within two feet of the car in front of you
2. When there is the slightest opening (not necessarily when there are no oncoming cars) whip to the oncoming lane and pass at the highest possible speed. No need to wait for all oncoming vehicles to clear.
3. Return to the lane at the quickest possible moment, preferably within five feet of the car you are passing.
4. Continue to do the same until you reach your destination. Use of turn signal is optional.
Driving on French highways is a lot like the most memorable ride I ever took with my Dad. We had been to Yellowstone Park because he took a couple of days vacation for the 4th of July. For some reason he felt that we all had to attend a barbeque at my uncle John’s early in the afternoon . We left West Yellowstone at 11 am. Picture the traffic on the 4th of July. Picture a very busy two lane highway from West Yellowstone to Salt Lake City. Picture my dad setting a land speed record for a Chevrolet as we traveled 351 miles in 3.6 hours. (This is typically a six hour drive). No talking was allowed. We were going so fast, I finally got down on the floor in back of the passenger seat and said every prayer I ever remember hearing. No sense in looking out the window, we were going so fast everything was a blur. We passed 256 cars, 95 trucks, a herd of sheep and an airplane headed out of Idaho Falls to Las Vegas. Usually, a trip like that would call for a pit stop for a Coke and a bathroom break. No such luck. If you had to go, you quickly forgot because every sphincter had gone into emergency mode within the first 10 miles. I kept seeing the headline in the local paper when I closed my eyes. It read: Family of 5 Killed Instantly When Their Car Passed 11 Cars And Slammed Into An Oncoming Cattle Truck. No Cattle Were Hurt.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

The Ticket

I got a ticket today. Actually the term is contravention and it means that I did something wrong. What you ask? I know that would come up so here is the answer. We drove to Pau the other day to help some young sister missionaries find a new apartment. We were supposed to meet them at the rental agency which just happened to be in the middle of town. Parking is very limited and as a result people park everywhere. They park just about anywhere they please but no matter where you park you still have to pay for it. Somewhere on the street is a machine where you enter large quanties of odd looking coins, push a button and receive a small piece of paper with a time stamped on it which you put on the dash board of your car. As you all know, I am a diligent follower of the rules, so when I found a parking place I dutifully paid for the parking and put the paper on the dash. Apparently while we were at the rental agency the local cops took a good look at my car and wrote me a ticket. The ticket is a two part device with the cost on the front and a written explanation on page two. The ticket said I owed the city of Pau 35 Euros and if I didn’t pay within 30 days the cost would go up to 75 Euros. It seemed a bit steep for a parking tickets but I could not read what the cop had written inside. The French apparently did not have Mrs. Gessellman for 3rd grade writing class because all the words were written in a style that must drive genealogists crazy. I got a friend to translate for me and he told me I got a ticket for not displaying a current insurance card on the windshield. I checked after our discussion and discovered that it had expired in 2010. It’s the equivalent of not having a valid or current insurance card in your possession or in the car in the states. Here in France you are supposed to put them in a little carrier stuck to the inside of the windshield. I think I will have a little chat with the guy in the office who is responsible for all the cars and send him the ticket. The French have a habit of conducting rolling roadblocks at all hours of the day and night to check for proper driver’s licenses, insurance, an identification card, or a note from your mother saying it alright to drive. So our vehicle might be grounded until we can get a proper card.
The last time I got stopped by a policeman and thought I was getting a ticket, I was riding my bike east on Lacey Blvd at about 25 mph in the bike lane (yes it’s slightly downhill there) and got red lighted by the local constable. Turned out he just wanted to look at my bike. I let him look and then pedaled quickly home for a change of clothing. My only other ticket in the last 15 years was in front of the State Farm Regional Office in Dupont WA. I was clocked going ten over the limit but only cited for no insurance because I could not find my current insurance card. The fine was $150. I went to court. Court in Dupont was presided over by a retired hanging judge from someplace in rural Arkansas. I had to sit through all the criminal cases and watched as this judge declared the guilt of each defendant. Burnt toast came to mind. When it was my turn, I respectfully explained my situation and produced my valid insurance card. To my amazement, the judge declared, “Charges dismissed! Assessing court costs of $150." Some days you just can’t win.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better

Oh MY!

Tonight I witnessed one of the greatest tragedies of life. The squandering of at least 40 combined hours of time by an incompetent musical director. How do I get 40? There were 20 musicians, mostly young and inexperienced who suffered through the ineptitude of a disorganized, chaotic, and uninspiring first rehearsal perpetrated by a director who should have known better.
We are now living in St Pierre du Mont in France and my wife would like to play in a string ensemble if we can find one. We visited the local conservatory last week and were told that an amateur group meets on Friday night for a weekly rehearsal in preparation for a series of concerts. She was invited to come and observe and join if she were interested.
We arrived at the appointed time, 7:00 and went into a small but nice recital-rehearsal hall. There were about 20 high school aged string players and about a half a dozen adults all just milling about; talking and socializing with their friends. About 7:20 a much harried looking woman of vast proportions descended the stairs and called the players to order. Roll was taken, chairs and stands were found and the conductor then proceeded to pass out three pieces of music. Tuning was done by the conductor taking each instrument and plucking the strings with her thumb and handing the instrument back to the player. She did this with each player including the adults. No “A” was ever given so the pitch from each instrument varied from player to player. It was kind of like taking a small sample of yellow paint and matching 30 other samples to the sample just previously matched. What you get is an entirely different shade of yellow for each sample. By the time the tuning was completed it was almost 8:00. Not one single note had been played. She even checked the tuning of the adults in the group.
The first piece up was Bizet’s Carmen. Both Carmen and Bizet should ask for their money back. The conductor’s technique was reminiscent of someone beating a snake with a stick. I think she quit beating when she thought the snake had finally died. I know I had. Her comment at that point was “Wonderful. Now let’s number our measures.” Exit Frank and Barbara stage left.
Here is the point. These people were cheated out of what could been a wonderful musical experience. An experience of learning, appreciation of great music and above all the satisfaction of working with others under the direction of an inspiring conductor to play some of the greatest music ever written. Never mind that they may have all been inexperienced. They deserved better.
Instead they got incompetence bordering on criminal action. This woman stole their time and gave them nothing in return. One can only hope that in the next life she is assigned to a place where the only music be heard is bagpipes or “Lady of Spain” badly played on an out of tune accordion by a chubby pre-adolescent with acne.
I am now going to practice my guitar.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

Bag It And Tag It

Over the last few years my wife and I have had the great opportunity to do a bit of traveling. In 2002 we flew to Paris France (no, not Paris Idaho) and rented a car. We traveled all over France in a small VW Jetta for three weeks. Before we left, I suggested that we probably could get along with just taking a small carry-one bag each. The idea went over like a fart in church, but after some discussion and a few tales of people traveling half way across the planet and having to wear the same clothes until the luggage was finally found, my wife finally agreed. Yes it is entirely possible to travel with just a carry-on. You just have to be willing to spend a few hours in a self service laundry in a foreign country. My logic was validated when we met an American couple in Paris and shared a table with them at the Café du Marche. He was wearing one of his wife’s blouses because his luggage had been lost. In many places he would not have received a second look and I probably wouldn’t have noticed either if he hadn’t brought it up. If you look at it from a positive point of view, he beat the stereotype of the American tourist (Dockers, new white tennis shoes, t-shirt with some message like “I caught crabs on the Oregon coast” and a Chicago Cubs baseball hat).

Unfortunately, as we are packing today in preparation of our flight to Geneva Switzerland tomorrow I am trying to stuff 250 lbs of the essentials of life into four suitcases and a carry-on. Oh, did I mention the two laptops in a back pack and a violin? Larry’s Tire Store, Funeral Home and Airlines LCC, is limiting us to 50 lbs per bag. The first leg of the trip from Seattle to Salt Lake City had only two bags and both were over the weight limit. Since then my wife has been shopping and we have added two more suitcases. I am now way over the limit and will have to discard the chop saw and air compressor to accommodate her recent purchases. I have refused to give up my 5lb bag of Snickers. Larry, in his quest to squeeze the last dollar out of my wallet has told us that our first bag is free but the 2nd one will be $75. Other airlines charge $35/bag except for SouthWest and they don’t seem to care.

I let you know how it went when we get there.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

Life Without Discomfort

Last week, I was in Utah visiting family. While there, I set up Skype on my sister in law’s computer and then went to a nearby McDonald’s to see if it worked.  Just as I was finishing the call, an older man walked by and stopped to look. After I finished the call he said, “Do you think I am too old to learn to do that?” I said “That all depends upon your definition of too old.” He looked at me with that odd look that I often get when talking to strangers and I continued. “My definition of too old is DEAD. Go for it.”

He laughed and asked if he could sit down. We chatted for a few minutes and I showed him how Skype works and asked him if he had a computer. He said yes, but his wife was on it twenty four hours a day.  My response was “so…your wife is a genealogy fanatic.” He looked at me with that “how did you know that “ look and slowly said yes. “Not only that” he said,” but  she has tracked down the burial places of hundreds of dead ancestors and has dragged me all over the country to show them to me.”  I said, “That’s not so bad. She could be dragging you all over the country to visit her living relatives. It’s a lot easier visiting the dead ones. You don’t have to be polite when you visit the dead ones.”

I suggested he buy a cheap laptop with a camera and that way he could visit his wife’s living relatives online without having to go to the trouble of driving or flying to make the visit.  That way, when he got tired of listening to the conversation, he could feign transmission problems, shut off his video, or disconnect his microphone thereby making a quick exit back to his shop, or garage or any other quiet, safe place.  He seemed quite taken with the possibilities. I did explain that if used it, he had to remember some basic rules.

·         Always make sure you are dressed. That means more than just underwear.

·         You are not a professional baseball player so never pick your nose or scratch anything.

·         Remember, the camera picks up everything in back of you too, including voices.

·         Always remember to disconnect before making rude comments about the person you were speaking too.

When I was a child, my dad would take us to visit all his widowed aunts.  We guessed he was trying to insinuate himself into the wills of these old ladies. Refreshments were usually presented but there was never any variety.  By the time I was ten, I had guessed that some super salesman had sold a railroad car of stale fig newtons to every old woman in town who could have been even remotely related to my father.  My apologies to Nabisco, but they are not on my preferred eats list even today. It’s really too bad we didn’t have Skype when I was a kid. Think of the flatulance I could have avoided.

Please... No Repeat of History

My nephew recently emailed one of my daughters asking about all the recipes that belonged to my mother. Mother passed away last year and I guess he had an idea that perhaps it would be a good idea to compile a book of his favorite grandmother’s concoction so they could be enjoyed by future generations.

A great idea, I guess in theory but not in real practice. You see, he did not grow up in the house and he didn’t have to eat the stuff. I am not saying that my mother was a bad cook, but I have often joked that we said a blessing on the food after we ate instead of before. She was very good at cooking many things, particularly if the process involved boiling or frying. All vegetables were boiled beyond their useful measure until they were devoid of any color or taste. Then, at the insistence of my father, they were always covered with a white sauce. Therefore cooked veggies were always creamed veggies. Creamed corn, creamed cabbage, creamed Brussels sprouts, creamed carrots; you could hardly tell one from another. There were never any leftovers. We just called them “evidence”

Pot roast was a Sunday special. The process involved taking a blade pot roast, covering it in flour and beating the crap out of it with a hammer, back side of a meat cleaver or any other heavy object available at the time. The meat was then seared (mostly blackened) in a pan on both side and then simmered (boiled) in water for approximate 7 hours or until the meat no longer resembled beef. The gravy was always great.

It didn’t matter that she had a broiler pan as part of her gas oven, all meat was fried. Steaks, chops, burgers, hot dogs, fish, duck, rabbit and the occasional pheasant. The only meat I ever remember being cooked in the oven was a turkey. Most chicken was boiled, not fried. In retrospect, I guess stewing hens were cheaper than fryers.

Mother was always an advocate of the hearty breakfast. Her father always had a bowl of Cream of Wheat cereal. Never with milk but just with a half a stick of grade A butter. She was always shoving a large steaming bowl of oatmeal, Cream of Wheat or Roman Meal (i.e. dog food) in front of us at breakfast. No matter how hard I tried, there was never enough sugar to make it palatable. I would usually let mine sit until it had hardened into the shape of the bowl and could be used as a door stop. I left home at age nineteen and have never eaten a bowl of hot cereal since.

So, I rest my case hoping that my nephew will reconsider, since if we don’t view history in all its truths, history is bound to repeat itself. Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

The Police Blotter and More

My son has recently been sending me the crime blotter from the City of Oak Harbor. I find them most amusing and searched for other small towns that have similar problems. Here are a few:


June 8, 2 p.m., Newport Harbor: A sailboat was unable to cast off because a squirrel atop its mast refused to come down. Police, in a rare breach of protocol, did not shoot the squirrel. No further information is available.

September 3, 1:20 a.m., Thames Street: A Lakefield, Massachusetts, man indiscriminately exposed himself to people near the corner of Thames and Mill streets. But when police approached, he didn't expose himself to them, which may have hurt their feelings. It's no fun to be excluded. After a short chase, police arrested the man.

12:58 p.m. — A man driving on Highway 525 near Harbor Avenue said a bicyclist darted in front of the driver and he had to slam on his brakes. When the bicyclist was asked, “Are you stupid, or what?” the bicyclist shared an inappropriate hand signal with the motorist and kicked toward the car.

The stupidest criminal trick of the last month, cited in San Diego Magazine, involves the woman who flagged down two men in a car in Oceanside, exposed a breast and revealed she was a prostitute. She jumped into their car, explaining she had to get off the street because there were so many cops in the area. The two men, plainclothes officers, arrested her.

Man mistakes brother for trashcan. At 11:24 p.m. Sept. 15, police responded to a report of a drunk driver in a neighborhood on the 16300 block of Orchard. A man ran into a parked car while driving a scooter intoxicated. The man said he thought he saw his brother, which was just a trashcan. He was arrested. [Love this so much! An intoxicated scooter and a trashcan brother. It's why I read the paper.]

A man driving a moped erratically was stopped by Mount Pleasant police, and when they asked if he had any physical problems that would interfere with his ability to pass a sobriety test, he told them he was a "fat (expletive)."

Stupid is not always just found the police blotter. The following are insurance claims I actually handled:

A man found mice in his cabin in Island Park and threw flea bombs under the cabin to get rid of them. Burns cabin to the ground. Claim paid.

Woman spilled large quantity of grease in her oven. Her solution was to turn on the self cleaning oven. Result: large fire in kitchen. Claim paid.

Woman reported she damaged her sons garage door when she drove into it. He is blind but owns a car. He lets his friends drive and his mother drives him to the store a couple of times a month. She pulled into the driveway and instead of putting it in park she put it in drive and went through the garage door, taking out the water heater, washing and dryer and driving out the back side of the garage. I suggested she let him drive next time. Claim paid.

Man offered to cut down a very large tree on a vacant lot owned by his brother. The tree fell the wrong way and hit a neighbor’s house causing $45,000 in damage to the house and contents. The man said he did not feel he was responsible since it was his brother’s tree. Claim paid

Man reported his truck and boat trailer were stolen from the parking lot at Pt Defiance. He called back two weeks later to report that the police found the truck and trailer in the upper parking lot at Pt. Defiance. Not stolen, just misplaced. My conclusion was that no fish were caught but lots of beer was consumed. Claim was withdrawn.

Man reported that his 9hp Honda outboard had been stolen for the third time this year. He wanted to know how to prevent this from happening again. I suggested he quit parking his boat in the street and to put the outboard under his bed. Claim paid

In the aftermath of hurricane Ivan, a man from Louisiana reported that he lost the contents of two freezers that held venison, shrimp. oysters, pork, crab, alligator, various varieties of fish and a couple of possums. We sent a field adjuster to the home and found out that there were no damaged food items. In fact he did not even own any freezers because he didn’t have electricity on the property. Claim denied.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

It's A Dangerous World Out There

Yesterday, I received another promotional flyer from my credit union offering me insurance.  Never mind that I am 68 years old and am, according to my doctor, quickly sliding towards the reading of my will. No, this insurance is a little different. It’s called Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance. Because I belong to the credit union I already have $20K in such coverage as part of my account. The flyer was to get me to buy additional coverage.  I have discovered over the years that insurance salesmen always try and sell me a policy that really benefits the family. Their family, not mine, so I am always careful when I am around them. 

I am not trying to minimize accidents. I recently heard of a shake cutter out in Grays Harbors County that lost his left arm and left leg at a mill. It looks like he is now all right.  I also read recently that most fatal auto accidents occur within five miles of your own home.  I think I’ll move ten miles away just to make sure I am safe.

The brochure says that if I die of some accidental cause like getting hit by the garbage truck on my way to the mailbox, my beneficiary will receive the whole amount.  The whole amount is also payable if I lose both hands above the wrist. The loss of both feet above the ankle and both arms also qualify for full payment. If I accidentally lose one hand all I get is $10K. The fine print says I have to prove that I lost them accidentally and didn’t just leave them lying around at the bus station. Cutting of my fingers in the table saw doesn’t pay anything. Besides, the saw doesn’t care anyway.

If I lose both arms and legs and am so badly maimed I also lose both eyes, the most I can collect is the amount list on the policy. Oops…I just read the extra fine print. Since I am over 65 I can only collect half the amount listed on the declaration.  The most I can get for a lost hand is $5K.  Oh my! The extra extra fine print only printed in Mandarin, says that any loss must occur on the 30th day of any month that does not have an R in it. (May, June, July, August) It also says that the loss must occur within five miles of my home. Now I am definitely moving.

 It also says that if I only lose both legs I cannot collect or file suit against the insurance company (Mutual of Humptulips) or anyone else. I did some research and found case law that indicates such cases have always been thrown out on Summary Judgment.  Judges have unanimously agreed that the plaintiffs in such actions didn’t have a leg to stand on.

I think I would be money ahead if I set up an account with the credit union. I could make a $100 deposit every time I nicked myself on a saw blade, narrowly missed being killed on the freeway, or showed up without thinking at the gun range on Wacko Wednesday.   That’s the day the nut cases show up to practice with their cannons and assault rifles. My guess is that I would have the $20K in short order. It could then be converted to some interest bearing account to be used accidentally on toys and good food.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better.