Words to live by

A good friend of ours, Lloyd V Bliss passed away last weekend and I was asked to speak at his funeral. I asked his family to provide me with a list of their favorite "Lloydisms". Let me share just a few of them with you.

"Whats the worst thing that could happen?"

"Of course we're active. We just don't go to church."

"Did your head fall off?"

"Always pay your employees the most you can afford-not the least they will accept."

"If you are going to be a fool, be a quiet fool."

"If you have the power, you have the responsibility to be generous with the other party."

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me."

"There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't."

If he did not want to do something he had the following replys:

"I'd rather have a dead rat in my mouth."
"Give me 24 hours notice so I can make other plans."
"I choose not to participate."

Live with great principles and act on them. No one would have ever remembered the Good Samaritan if he only had good intentions. We should all live such good lives that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Its raining cats and dogs

I was at Amy’s the other day and she tried to give me her cat. Why…? It appears that since there are now two dogs living in the house, the cat is ticked off and shows it by marking its territory in the old fashioned Boy Scout method of peeing on everything. I respectfully declined but wondered what had gone wrong. As a parent, I had held fast to the rule of no pets. No dogs, no cats, no reptiles and certainly thought my children as they grew to adulthood would see the wisdom in the no pet rule and follow suit. No such luck.
Amy has two dogs and a cat. Sarah has 52 cats if you count all the barn cats plus two cows, although one is borrowed. Eric has two dogs technically, since one is currently buried in the back yard. You can tell where, because the weeds grow really tall in that spot. Matt has three dogs including the one that belongs to Uncle Sam. Sounds like a Korean buffet doesn’t it.
It has been my opinion for some time that cats simply allow you to feed them and all dogs should be eaten. This line of thing was reinforced many times during my career as a personal injury claims adjuster for State Farm. Laws vary from state to state but generally if your dog (animal) bites someone or does some property damage, you are responsible and have to pay. In Wa, it doesn’t matter where the dog is at the time. You are responsible. In Oregon, the law says you are responsible if it can be proven that the dog has a propensity to bite, maim or rip asunder. In other words, in Oregon your dog gets one free bite.
I handled a claim by a process server against one of our insured’s who claimed the homeowners dog bit him. The homeowner described the dog as a cuddly, friendly, sweet tempered house dog. To me that meant a large, aggressive, ill tempered pit bull. The process server pretended to be vacuum salesman and when he got on the porch the dog dragged him into the bushes for a friendly discussion about his presence on the property. My guess is the dog didn’t like vacuums. He said he had severe wounds so I asked if we could get some photos. He declined but finally came in two weeks later to show a slight red mark on his calf. I offered to settle the claim for $60.00 to cover the cost of his torn pants and some new clean underwear. He said he would see me in court. The statute of limitations has run on that one so I feel pretty safe. I hope he got the clean underwear. After that experience I am also of the opinion that all process servers should be bitten.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better.

I don't live in this ward, but I'd like to ......

There is one meeting that strikes fear and terror into the heat of every Bishop of every ward in the Church. No its not den meeting, PEC, PPI with the Stake President or even dropping in on the Deacons from time to time. You probably guessed it. The venerable Fast and Testimony Meeting. Every Bishop likes to feel that he has some control of the Sacrament Meeting but once the meeting is turned over to the flock, anything can happen. Today the worshipful attitude was shattered with a brief descripton of the serial killer Ted Bundy, followed by a sister from the Marshall Islands who tried to get her husband and children up on the stand to sing for all of us. She failed. Many prayers were answered right then and there. The Bishop had earlier announced that her husband was going to be baptized tonite but later had to announce that he had been baptized in the Marshall Islands as a kid but forgot. I figured, what the heck, do him again.

Some people who are unwilling or unable financially to seek professional help, use the time to unburden themselves on the rest of us. It becomes a littany of the near dead, the mostly dead, the past dead who have been waiting patiently for the temple work to be done and an assortment of dead pets. Sometimes I really believe I can hear the soft chant of "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" in the background.

Having been in the uncomforable position myself, I thoroughly enjoy watching our Bishop squirm in his seat. You can almost hear him trying to will, by telepathic means, the speaker into an immediate cardiac arrest.

I have heard "faith promoting" fables about pets being blessed and saved by the priesthood, a priesthood led funeral for a members cat, an admission of an internet addiction to porn, and a pronouncement by a high priest that his wife told him that she was crying because Barbara had just told her that I was having an affair. (What he failed to include was that his wife was mentally ill and that it was just her crazy side talking)

When someone asks after a meeting what I thought about a particular members testimony, I just say "Well bless (his/her) heart. " Translation: "Boy wasn't he full of crap. "

Thank you for listening, I feel much better, bless your heart.

Barbara and I had a chance to fly to Salt Lake City this weekend and I thought you might find this interesting. Mom just turned 93 and she says she plays the piano every day. She is quite hard of hearing and she is no longer able to read and see things upclose but she is still physically active and her mind is a good as it ever was. I have a slightly longer video that I did not post here.

Arrrg

The sub service computer called this morning at 5:40 am with an assignment to cover for the French teacher in Yelm. I looked out the window and the sun was coming up for a change so I respectfully declined the assignment, besides, they are not suppose to call before 6 anyway. Serves them right.

We were both hungry after the symphony rehearsal last night and decided to stop at Carl's Jr. for a snack. I almost ordered in Spanish. I figured if I could not understand the counter guy’s English it would only be fair if he could not understand my Spanish. It appears that Carl’s has set some really low thresholds for obtaining employment. Picture this now. Its 9:59 pm. They close at 10 pm. There is no one in the place but me. It’s a take out order and Pedro hands me a number. A number!!!… I’m the only one in the place. Appears he was worried that he would not be able to get the onion rings to the right customer on facial recognition alone. While I’m waiting I take a look at the menu. Up on a lighted board are photos of what they refer to as the Six Dollar Burgers. There are six of them and the prices are $4.49, $4.59, $4.69, $5.45, $3.85 and $29.64 which is the same burger as the $3.85 but comes with a gastric pump and a “go to the front of the line” card for St Peters Hospital ER. No $6.00 burger. Go figure.

We are flying to Salt Lake this weekend for a short trip. I went into my old place of employment and looked up an old friend who works for Enterprise Rent a Car and got him to arrange for a rental in SL. He asked what kind of car did I want and I told him a Geo Metro would be fine. He listed the choice as "Economy" $16.00/day. Both he and I know that the ERAC office at the SL airport does not have any "economy" cars and they will have to give me what they have on hand for the same price. Oh dang. He also listed in the comments section that I was a State Farm VIP, so I guess I will have to shave and use deodorant. O the sacrifices we make to save a buck.
I'm looking forward to a good frisking at the airport and a spacious seat assignment on the plane
We are flying with a new airline called Larry's Feed, Tire, Funeral Home and Discount Airline LLC. Wish us luck.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better

I am requesting that the management of Fred Myer's put up a readerboard that indicated how many people over the age of 7o are currently in the store so that I can avoid going there during those really fun times.

Oblivious is the word to describe most of these shoppers. Now we're not talking about the crowd that shows up at Costco for the senior lunch (ie hotl-dog and soda $1.50) but those people who through overuse or underuse of the brain matter have learning to behave like no one else in the world actually exists. Try getting around some old fart who wife sent him to the store to buy toilet paper. He parks his cart in the middle of the isle crosswise and then tries to decide which of the 250,000 different varieties he is suppose to buy. I'd like to scream, "just grab one, it doesn't matter which one. None of it is going into your scrapbook" Just for fun, next time I see a crowd at the dairy section I will move in, open my cell phone and say in a loud voice. "Is it all the milk that is being recalled because of e-coli or just the ones with the blue caps?"

Thanks for listening, I feel much better....Frank

welcome

Welcome to the too busy world of Barbara Johnston and her faithful driver, gardner and soul mate Frank.

Just to give you an idea of Barbara's busy schedule it ususally follows this format.
Monday: She takes a fiddle lesson at noon followed by violin lessons all afternoon. Visiting teaching in the a.m. with assorted other humanitarian efforts. I describe her as a Mother Theresa only much hotter.
Tues: Lessons starting at 8 and continuing until about six then its off to O'Blarneys Pub to play with and Irish Fiddle group
Wed: Lessons all day and Olympia Symphony rehearsal from 7 pm to 9:30.
Thurs: Lessons throughout the day and a group lesson of her students in the evening.
Fri: One lesson in the afternoon.
Sat. Off
Sun. Teach Primary class. Got to choir.

Frank's schedule is the same every day:
9-10.00 nothing
10-11:00 break
11-12:00 NADA
12-01:00 lunch
1-2:00 Zip
2-3:00 Zero
3-4:00 break
4-5:00 Zilch
After 5: Planning for next day
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