Off to the Gym

The photo on the left is a great commentary on the American diet, junk food and general lack of restraint. The Italians loaned Michelangelo’s “David” to an American gallery for a year and this is how he returned.


The other day, as I got out of the shower, I saw my reflection in the mirror and said to myself as I have on many previous occasions, “Johnston, your wife better outlive you because this is not dating material.” My solution was to join a gym. You have to understand that my experiences with gyms and health clubs have been unsatisfactory ventures. It’s not because I have not lost weight or improved my physical conditioning; it’s because the last three gyms I joined went out of business. The first one mysteriously turned into a dog food store. The owner of the second one packed up a U-Haul one Sunday, locked the doors and left town. The owner of the last one ran off with a dental hygienist from Humptulips and went bankrupt when his wife divorced him and fleeced him to the point his total net worth consisted of one pair of Fruit of the Looms and a Starbucks card. He was forced to live on his boat.

She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I join her gym. I figured why not. People are always asking me what gym I go to. I figured, even if I don’t go, I will be able to tell them I belong to one. I went to the desk and told the girls that my wife sent me and I was suppose to sign up. It was all taken care of in less time than it takes to sign a will. A few days later the owner of the gym called to say that my wife had won third prize in their referral contest. It seems that anyone who referred someone who actually joined the gym was eligible for a drawing. Turns out she actually won third prize because she referred me. I think they got three referrals. She never wins anything so I figured this was a good omen. I suggested she run right out and buy me a Power Ball lottery ticket. Her reply was, “Listen Skippy……but I forget the rest. The major award was a helicopter ride provided by Larry’s Helicopter, Tire Store and Funeral Services. Not bad for a lady who does not like looking down from great heights, who won’t even look down those metal cattle crossings you find in Montana and Idaho. Come to think of it, she won’t look down at the fake ones that are just painted on the road either. I’ll tell you about the ride another time.

I went to the gym this morning and as I walked up to use one of the machines I was abruptly moved to the side by a woman of vast proportions. She said it was her favorite machine and did I mind. I never argue with anything that outweighs me and could potentially humiliate me with a quick shot to the head. Sometimes obtaining the body of Adonis just has to give way to survival. The only real benefit of the encounter is that I am no longer a candidate for laxatives.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better.