Death By Salad

Every morning check the local obituaries to see if I am listed and if I don't find myself listed, go about my day. I saw a grave marker the other day that said “ See, I told you I was sick”. It’s one of my favorites. I am afraid that my gravestone will say… “Death by salad”. By the way, the frog in the package of salad pictured at the left is alive and well. But he hasn't eaten the salad yet.


Men, left to their own resources would live strictly on mac and cheese. burgers, french fries, soda pop and Twinkies. Those who are not Mormons would add beer and cheese whiz to the list. Women on the other hand require at least one and preferably two salads per meal whether they are Mormons or not.

She who must be obeyed has decided that no day shall pass without at least two salads on the table. I get to choose. I choose not to have salad at breakfast.

 Miraculously there will appear a green salad, a tan salad (macaroni), a taco salad, a fruit salad, oriental noodle salad, three bean salad with at least two different kinds of beans, or some kind of salad with nuts in it at lunch and dinner. Or a whole list of other things which can be loosely considered salad in some obscure culture. There are at least twelve different salad dressings in the fridge along with a couple of homemade varieties. Women go to great lengths to come up with the perfect dressing for each salad. Men are less inventive and will settle for a mixture of catsup and Miracle Whip.

Most of the fruit salads are made from the peaches and pears put up last fall with a few grapes imported from Chile and then frozen into a slush which can only be served if the temperature outside is at least minus 12 degrees Fahrenheit. Frozen fruit salad never appears on hot days. I am beginning to think that she may have misunderstood the “green” movement and thinks it means salads.

As a defense I have decided that the sauerkraut and onion on my Costco hotdog qualifies as salad and I can skip the large bowl at dinner. There are ways around most things.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better.