On the Pill

I am getting to the age when things have started to fall apart. My hair is thinning. My eyesight is failing. My finger nails have deep ridges in them. I have osteoarthritis in my right hip, and my eye brows are beginning to look like the broom in my shop. I became a little concerned when my doctor told me earlier this year that my cholesterol was too high. He also said that my blood pressure was too high and asked if I smoked, drank alcohol, worked in a stressful environment, lacked physical activity or suffered from obesity. I answered no to all of the above. Being relatively inventive, I asked him would it help if I took up drinking and smoking, got a stressful job, stayed up late, quit riding my bike, gained 50 lbs and then quit. The only response I got was that doe in the headlight look. He suggested I watch what I eat and see if both could be lowered by diet alone. So, I went on a no fat, no taste diet that simply consisted of my usual food but without the following: butter, red meat, cheese, ice cream and anything else that might taste good. I have eaten so much chicken I cluck when I try to speak.


Recently I went back in for a bloodletting and the results came back exactly the same. BP too high and cholesterol level way to high. He now has me taking two BP pills, a cholesterol pill, a vitamin, an aspirin, and an anti-inflammatory for the arthritis in my hip.

Friends are very helpful and often suggest home remedies or a collection of natural health products, none of which are any good. My wife’s aunt and her husband were once convinced that if they purchased a juicer they could have all the benefits of fresh fruits and vegetables in liquid form. They bought the juicer, two cartons of carrots and made a gallon of fresh carrot juice. Three days later they both looked like they had been spray painted with safety orange. Another friend decided that he could lose a ton of weight by taking chromium tablets. He lost the weight but threw his blood chemistry off so badly he had to spend a few days in the hospital on dialysis. One of my oldest friends suggested I tape some magnets to the areas where I have the most pain. He guaranteed I would see improvement almost immediately. The magnets didn’t work and I quit when I got stuck to the refrigerator door when I got up in the middle of the night to get a snack.

Another well meaning friend gave me a bunch of sticky back holograms. I was told if I stuck them on the area where I experienced pain, the pain would go away. It seems that the holograms would redirect the forces of the universe for a realignment of my cosmic construction. All I got out of it was a temporary tattoo of a goat.

Speaking of goats. I did see an interesting product in my local Walgreens. It’s Epimedium, also known as Rowdy Lamb Herb, Barrenwort, Bishop's Hat, Fairy Wings, Yin Yang Huo (Chinese: 淫羊藿), or my favorite, Horny Goat Weed, It is suppose to be a natural alternative to Viagra. I wonder if it has the same four hour warning.

Thanks for listening, I feel much better.