June 8, 2 p.m., Newport Harbor: A sailboat was unable to cast off because a squirrel atop its mast refused to come down. Police, in a rare breach of protocol, did not shoot the squirrel. No further information is available.
September 3, 1:20 a.m., Thames Street: A Lakefield, Massachusetts, man indiscriminately exposed himself to people near the corner of Thames and Mill streets. But when police approached, he didn't expose himself to them, which may have hurt their feelings. It's no fun to be excluded. After a short chase, police arrested the man.
12:58 p.m. — A man driving on Highway 525 near Harbor Avenue said a bicyclist darted in front of the driver and he had to slam on his brakes. When the bicyclist was asked, “Are you stupid, or what?” the bicyclist shared an inappropriate hand signal with the motorist and kicked toward the car.
The stupidest criminal trick of the last month, cited in San Diego Magazine, involves the woman who flagged down two men in a car in Oceanside, exposed a breast and revealed she was a prostitute. She jumped into their car, explaining she had to get off the street because there were so many cops in the area. The two men, plainclothes officers, arrested her.
Man mistakes brother for trashcan. At 11:24 p.m. Sept. 15, police responded to a report of a drunk driver in a neighborhood on the 16300 block of Orchard. A man ran into a parked car while driving a scooter intoxicated. The man said he thought he saw his brother, which was just a trashcan. He was arrested. [Love this so much! An intoxicated scooter and a trashcan brother. It's why I read the paper.]
A man driving a moped erratically was stopped by Mount Pleasant police, and when they asked if he had any physical problems that would interfere with his ability to pass a sobriety test, he told them he was a "fat (expletive)."
Stupid is not always just found the police blotter. The following are insurance claims I actually handled:
A man found mice in his cabin in Island Park and threw flea bombs under the cabin to get rid of them. Burns cabin to the ground. Claim paid.
Woman spilled large quantity of grease in her oven. Her solution was to turn on the self cleaning oven. Result: large fire in kitchen. Claim paid.
Woman reported she damaged her sons garage door when she drove into it. He is blind but owns a car. He lets his friends drive and his mother drives him to the store a couple of times a month. She pulled into the driveway and instead of putting it in park she put it in drive and went through the garage door, taking out the water heater, washing and dryer and driving out the back side of the garage. I suggested she let him drive next time. Claim paid.
Man offered to cut down a very large tree on a vacant lot owned by his brother. The tree fell the wrong way and hit a neighbor’s house causing $45,000 in damage to the house and contents. The man said he did not feel he was responsible since it was his brother’s tree. Claim paid
Man reported his truck and boat trailer were stolen from the parking lot at Pt Defiance. He called back two weeks later to report that the police found the truck and trailer in the upper parking lot at Pt. Defiance. Not stolen, just misplaced. My conclusion was that no fish were caught but lots of beer was consumed. Claim was withdrawn.
Man reported that his 9hp Honda outboard had been stolen for the third time this year. He wanted to know how to prevent this from happening again. I suggested he quit parking his boat in the street and to put the outboard under his bed. Claim paid
In the aftermath of hurricane Ivan, a man from Louisiana reported that he lost the contents of two freezers that held venison, shrimp. oysters, pork, crab, alligator, various varieties of fish and a couple of possums. We sent a field adjuster to the home and found out that there were no damaged food items. In fact he did not even own any freezers because he didn’t have electricity on the property. Claim denied.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better.
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